St Patrick's day: the most pointless tradition ever

   I believe in holidays honoring those who believe in religious figures. Its what makes America the place it is. However, the tradition is dumb. There is no correlation between getting as drunk as possible and St Patrick. Fyi, he wasn't even Irish (which I'm sure is why we've adopted drinking into this holiday). This is just another reason to go out and drink. I think it's stupid. As if every holiday didn't involve drinking. This one just had to be about what most young adults already do every weekend. A tradition is usually a treasured activity that is done every so often to make it that much more special.

Guy 1: it's St Patrick's day what should we do?
Guy2: not sure. What did we do last night?
Guy1: I don't remember, I was wasted.
Guy2: awesome! Lets do that

   You're dumb and your tradition is dumb. Now I have to go out to a bar because my girlfriend is dragging me there. I'm so excited to wait 30 minutes to get a beer.

Tales of The Unavoidable

   He's a nice, generous, hard-working, loving provider for his family. He worked hard and was always their for his family. However, life had different plans for him and it proves that karma does not exist. I am speaking about my cousin who recently had a stroke. Before he had a stroke, he had skin cancer that spread rapidly. For years he was under heavy treatment and surveillance. When I think about this, I can't believe it happened to him. His whole life he worked hard and helped out many people. Even during his stage of treatment he lent my brother a helping hand. My cousin is a lawyer and my brother got a DUI over a year ago. When these things happen of course we want to fight the system and avoid the worst possible penalties. I felt bad for both of them (then again my brother was double the limit of the legal BAC, so he deserved it). I mostly felt bad for my cousin because he wasn't going to say no in defending my brother. At this time, the radiation he was exposed to caused him to lose a lot of feeling in one side of his face. My dad rounded up a portable speaker system and microphone to project his voice since his speech wash difficult to decipher. God bless his soul, he worked hard and did his best to prevent the worst case scenario for my brother. That's the kind of person he is.

   He has a wife and two kids to provide for. The ages of the children . . . 4 and 7. The cancer has went into remission several times but came back in tumors in his intestine in January. The hospital quickly performed the surgery to get rid of the tumors. During the recovery, he had a stroke. I can't say he was lucky since all of this happened, but at least he was already in the hospital when this happened so time could not worsen the situation. Imagine these kids seeing their father in this state of incapacitation. It really just kills me to see him like that and the kids to see that as well. When I went to visit him, his speech was not present. The only communication available was the look of embarrassment and disgust in his eyes. I could tell he was grateful for everyone to always keep him company, but he didn't want pity, or sympathy. He didn't want people to go out of their way to make him feel better. He wished this had never happened as I'm sure everyone who has had a stroke feels. I wish I could do something, but what can anyone do besides the doctors?

   In the most recent news of his condition, the doctors discovered that the cancer is gone, but will have to stay like that for the next 14 months to declare him 100% cancer free. I just pray he recovers and that the cancer stays away for good. You're in my prayers and I hope to see you well soon, cousin.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

   
  
   As the screen projects nasty, white-trash/ghetto outbursts caused by heart break and deceit, I laugh. These ridiculous people creating stupid problems for the whole world to see. I want to feel bad for these people, but honestly it just makes me feel better about my life. I don't know how some of the victims or heart break won't let go of the one who doesn't love them anymore. I also wonder why these people cheat in the first place. I would never even dream, or put myself in that situation. The only time I would ever do that is if my girlfriend cheated on me and I wanted to even things out. This would never happen though because once I found out, I would end it. I deserve better and never treated a girl so badly that she should be driven to cheating.

   What I am most disturbed about is why some of these participants decide to break up, or reveal awful things in front of thousands of people. It's bad enough that they are breaking up with someone who is hopelessly in love with them, now they have to experience the pain in front of America. I understand that some of them are traveling to the show without the knowledge, or reasons why. It really boggles me how these people can be so insensitive to go out of their way to embarrass their girlfriend/boyfriend in front of an audience. Do they not realize how cruel that is? Maybe I should stop watching such garbage.

Officially Jersey

   I guess I can officially call myself a hypocrite. I went to a tanning salon for the first time. I always said things to my girlfriend about her excessive tanning due to skin cancer.
Although, she finally won. Instead of getting her to stop, she dragged me along. I can't say I put up much of a fight. Besides, doing it once in a while won't be very damaging.

   I still find the idea of tanning quite pointless. You can almost compare it to smoking.  You are degrading your health for something that is not needed at all. Tan skin and black lungs are extremely unnecessary. In an ironic twist, people tan to look better. The twist? It's damaging your skin and when you get older, your skin will sag easier and age much quicker. So, when you're fifty get ready to be mistaken for sixty. Sun can be healthy, but being tan all of the time is quite the opposite.

Distractions

  

   What is the meaning of life? What does it mean to be successful? Is it wrong to live in the moment? Should I rid myself of distractions right now to focus on my future? I have always envied both types of people. Those who can just enjoy what they have without the future problems affecting them, and those who lock themselves in a room day after day to so well in school. I believe I am at a critical point in my life. I have delayed my future to achieve my dream, but that fell through. Now, I am 24 and pretty much finishing my freshman year of college. I don't want to live a meager life any longer with my meaningless and poor paying job. I know I have to study hard and take summer courses as well to accelerate my degree. The concept does not bother, or worry me. I think about it and become determined to not let anything get in my way, but it isn't so simple.
  
   I analyze my thoughts and feelings at the current moment all the time. When my thoughts aren't the most positive because or a current circumstance, I begin to drift away from my school work. It's not that I shut down totally and do nothing, but I don't do as much as I should. Before continuing school, I planned out my future for the coming years and wondered about my leisure time. I planned on not having much because of my job and school work. Although, I was blessed with a job that allows me enough time to complete all assignments allowing me the same amount of leisure time as before. Times are now changing and I am being reverted to my previous job prohibiting any time for school while working. The thought of allotting enough time for school, work and my family, I realized my days of youth are pretty much over.
 
   With these ideas running around in my head, it has become difficult to study and focus on homework. Everything is a distraction to me, even doing nothing. My mind still drifts towards my girlfriend, but only current thoughts. I try to think about her and building a future together which will require me to do well in school. These concepts have worked well, but becomes difficult because I have become used to instant gratification. Since doing homework does not make me happy, I quickly become depressed at the idea that my life will soon only become school and work while my parents will nag me about not seeing them enough. I am already having a rough time staying happy, so what will the more difficult years bring? I worry that I may not be able to handle it.

How unfair Mr. policeman guy

(Okay, it's a little over the top, but still funny and relevant)

   I usually agree with the sides of the law if they are somewhat oppressive towards those who are completely wrong. However, other times it's pure stupidity and a clear disregard for a fair say. My friend went to New York this weekend. On his way to a show he had to use the subway as most of the population of New York does. As he arrived at the turnstile, it seemed as if his card did not work on any of the lanes. Someone else approached them, tried and also failed. As they stared at each other in confusion, the stranger jumped the turnstile so he would not miss his train. Since the subway does not wait for anybody, my friend followed along since it was obvious that they weren't working. I would say that maybe he did not have enough money on the card, but he previously added ten dollars to the balance, clearly enough to go through.

   Instantly, they were both intercepted by an undercover cop. My brother pleaded his case, but the cop wouldn't listen. He even asked to put the metrocard into the dispensers to prove he had enough money and then to try the turnstiles. Once again, the cop denied this chance for my friend to justify his actions. So, bam, $100 down the drain. What was he supposed to do? (I also failed to mention there was no one in the booths either). The cop stupidly replied "Yes, with the economy they cannot hire as many booth attendants." That was his response to what my friend should have done as to not miss his train when the turnstiles were not working. However, if my friend wants to take it to court, he has to go all the way back to New York in hopes that the judge will find pity to exert onto him and free him of the fine. Sometimes I just don't understand, but I guess that life.

Somethings are better left unsaid

   I am the most non-confrontational person in the world. I hate drama and tension and believe that they get people know where. From the years I've lived on this planet, I've learned a lot about people. One important key is that most people are stubborn and close-minded. Once you try to tell someone they are wrong, it's like a trigger is pulled and they instantly put their guard up. I don't like to be wrong, but I might not be right so I listen to others' opinions to see if I missed something. However, if you come at me like an army of words ready to attack and yell, just don't. I will not listen to any word coming out of someone's mouth who is so irrational.

   I wonder if society was always like this. I see my family and when they disagree, they usually talk it out. However, things can get out of control when there is no compromise which is understandable. But, how can people constantly have heated arguments over pretty much nothing? Now, I'm not talking about those who get on each others nerves because they are always around each other, but those who blow up at everything. When my girlfriend and I went on our cruise, the staff would make up our room and make these funny little creatures with towels. I remember she went into the bathroom and I saw the head was technically severed. We left the room and came back later that night. She joked around saying that when I went on the bed earlier that day I must have knocked it off. I said no, it was like that before (still laughing). She instantly got angry and yelled at me for blaming her for it. I said that I deliberately remember seeing it like that before. She yelled even more telling me I was wrong. So, I gave in and said she was probably right. I know that it isn't because we are sick of each other, it's because that's who she is. She has no tact when it comes to certain things and will ruin everyone's mood for dumb things like that. Sometimes, it's things that do not even involve her.

   She has gotten better than before, even if that previous example doesn't seem like it. I've pretty much left her because of her attitude and she's trying to change. Although, I have some other friends that are similar. They seem like happy and normal people, but don't tell them they are wrong unless you like to bicker about really dumb things. Maybe it's just me, but I like to get along with people and avoid senseless fights.

Japan Shaken Up

   I always hear about these types of disasters that have no effect on my life. It's hard for me to care when I avoid the news and it doesn't change anything in my life. I do empathize with those who were affected, but I still go about my day carefree. The earthquake in Japan for me was quite different (but it's not like I'm going to join the Peace Corps or anything). I was stuck in the cabin on the cruise ship with only 4 channels to watch. Luckily, we caught a glimpse of the story on Fox news.

   What my eyes experienced was devastating. Japan was in total shambles. With everything going on in the world and the most advanced nation was disabled by an unavoidable disaster. But it wasn't over because there was the tsunami and the aftershock. Things just kept getting worse. I can't even imagine how those people feel. The one's who survived probably lost a lot and maybe even some family members. How do you recuperate from that? I sometimes wonder if we are all doomed because earthquakes are unpredictable. Not only that, but there is no way to be fully protected from it either. Let's hope Japan opens up their strict cultural doors and accepts help from other countries. They can't do it on their own.

Back to real life

   The one negative aspect of going away on vacations is that it makes you unappreciative of the small things in life. I am now back from my week long cruise and am dreading my upcoming school and work routine. Once you have a taste of something so sweet, you want more. The weather could not have been better. My girlfriend and I were having such a nice time, without everyone, without our cell phones, without the stress of daily life, without television. It was the quality time I've always wanted with her and I was surprised that she enjoyed it too. Usually she gets bored easily, but since we were elsewhere on a vacation, even boredom seemed okay.

   Even though we did mostly what she wanted, I was okay with everything. As long as she was having fun with just me, I was having fun. I was finally content and realized that that's what it must feel like to be happy like everyone else during their regular lives. I was content at almost every point and time. Even when she read for hours outside without a word to me, I did not feel any unhappiness due to the neglect. It was great to finally feel like that and not have that burden of obsession. However, I cannot diagnose the exact reasoning for this. There are three possibilities. One, I was on vacation away from work and school. Two, I was finally able to have my girlfriend to myself seven days straight. Three, I began this new herbal supplement cycle that helps with depression and anxiety. Mostly, I'm hoping it's the supplement because then I'll be able to be normal and okay when not on vacation, or near my girlfriend. Anyway, I'm back to real life and ready to begin the burden of saving money and working

So long everybody

   At least for a week I wont be able to blog and I'm sure you are all so disappointed. I'm going on a cruise for spring break and couldn't be more excited because I'm really not that excited. I bought both tickets for my girlfriend and I, but will also be spending even more on the boat. I'm doing all of this because it was a gift for our one year anniversary a month ago. Surprise surprise we barely have sex now because we live at our parents' houses and now she has her period. This is my luck.

   We both used to be excited to even sleep next to each other but she doesn't care anymore. I would be but she likes to border herself up with pillows pretty much dividing a line between us while I long to hold her in my arms. I'm really not even that excited especially since last night my mom decided to break down and cry because my girlfriend wants nothing to do with my family. She never told my parents this but because I only go to her house and she never comes to mine, its implied. Plus, its true. You may not believe this but I quote "I just like my family better and when I have free time I want to do what I want". Yup, her words. I also hate making people do something that I want soooo, we've been dating for over a year and she has seen them about 6 times while I see her parents everyday.

   With all of these things on my mind its going to be difficult to be excited. I think I've built a resentment towards her. Maybe she will change. Wish me luck and I'll be back in a week

Jerks in action

 

 I've seen them before, laughing and taunting others. Whether they had an agenda, or not, it's degrading and annoying. I actually had the pleasure of befriending a pompous asshole. I didn't really have a choice. We were acquaintances for years, but eventually shared a class together at our community college. I didn't know much about him aside from his loud and in your face behavior. Deep down, however . . . oh wait it was actually right on the surface, yup, he was an arrogant low life having no regard for other human beings and their feelings. Luckily, he got a taste of his own medicine from the female form of him (whom I'm also friends with, it was weird).

   During the days of our 'friendship' I was only slightly entertained at points. The few times we hung out, outside of class, I was only lured there by my own boredom and his genuine desire to hang out with me. We went to this diner one time with one of his friends. The stories they shared with me were nothing short of ridiculous. Common frat boy (even though they were nothing near frat boy types) tales of drunk fights and doing drunk girls. They had a contest trying to bang as many girls as possible until Thanksgiving. My friend Joe won by getting to 17. He told me a story of calling random people on the train racial slurs and getting into a fight about it. I've never actually seen these things so I took them all as lies. The worst thing I've seen him do was later that night. (Not that bad and actually kind of funny, but annoying) They drove seperately onto a two lane highway. They drove side by side going 20 mph on a limit of 65 for about a mile. The line of lights behind us looked like it went on for miles. I can't really say too many bad things about that.

   Whether his stories were fabricated, or not, I can't believe there are either of those types of people. How can you live life making up ridiculous stories stating they are true? Does it make you feel like a man? If the stories are true, I don't understand how people can have such a disregard for human emotions. Who are you to think you're better than everyone else? People are not objects made for your entertainment. I was harassed when I was in grade school. In fact, it was by my 'best friend' at the time and the kid who usually bullied me. Even though I was on the protected side, I didn't like it. I eventually loathed my friend Joe. He treated me so nicely, but I couldn't degrade myself to a selfish level. I believe many people are selfish, but this was just blatant immorality. I avoided his calls and am happy that I haven't heard from him.

Do something with yourself

   I have no sympathy for some people. The majority of applicants on welfare are just taking advantage of the rest of us. Anyone who doesn't have a job (when they could have SOMETHING if they tried) is taking advantage of someone. It could be a friend, relative, parents or the government. If its the government then it is now affecting me somehow. Now that that government money is being applied to welfare maybe certain taxes are raised? I know that welfare and unemployment are needed so I'm not saying to get rid if these programs altogether, but I'm sure there are many people taking advantage of it.

   I have experienced an almost mini community welfare program. I was in a band as I've mentioned many times. There were three of us and we added a fourth member about four years ago. I actually originally opposed to even trying him out. I was overruled and convinced he was not lazy and is now dedicated. Boy was I right. The s**t he put us through and especially our Singer was nothing short metaphorical rape. The first year he has a good paying job that was only supposed to last a year (construction). He decided to buy an Audi. Did I mention he dropped out of high school too? He was obviously making payments and soon the job ended. He was spoiled being paid thirty dollars an hour, so once this job ended he refused to take any less because he's an idiot. He was doing a job many others could do and from what I've heard he's a lazy worker. Anyway, his job ended, he couldn't make the car payments so it was repossessed. He still owed money even after that.

   How did this affect the band? You have to lose money to make money, it's called investing in yourself. We decided that each of us would deposit $50 a week into our band fund for traveling, promotion and other expenses. He contributed for about the first year, but quickly ran dry. He was still waiting for that next great paying job even without having a means of transportation. We told him to get ANY job, its better than not making ANY money at all. He disagreed, go figure. Our singers dad even offered him add jobs around his house which he accepted, but not without complaints of what he had to do. For several weeks my Singer's family would let him sleep there, feed him and pay him to work. Sounds great right? Nope. Apparently $10 an hour wasn't enough to do menial chores around their house.

   We've become spoiled, America. We get what we want, when we want it. This went on for four years. I left a year ago and he was kicked out a few months ago. I never felt sorry for him because he thought he had some sense of entitlement to not work at the local shop rite. It's called paying your dues. I don't care who you are, if you can move around and have some high school education YOU CAN GET A JOB so hop to it!!!

Hey Chubs, you know there's calorie free soda right?

   

   That's right look at it . . . LOOK AT IT! How has America come to this? Fast food is cheaper right? Not if you're eating thirteen burgers in one sitting. The cost of living while this obese cost EVEN MORE than if you ate something like vegetables. I understand that for some people it is genetic, but for the other 95% of you, it's weakness and laziness. I'm not asking for you to be a star athlete, but lose enough so you don't get diabetes.

   I saw a hefty guy in one of my classes today drink SEVERAL sodas. You really couldn't get diet? Water blows, I know I hate it too. Although, I know how good it is for me so I force it down my gullet. I used to hate diet soda, but once I realized how much sugar is in regular soda, I had to stop. That's almost like eating diabetes (and smoking is inhaling cancer). If all of these extremely overweight people put a little more effort into not eating as much and eating better, health insurance would probably go down for the rest of us. Same goes for you smokers. Knock it off, it's not helping you at all. It's only costing you more money daily (cigarettes itself) and more money in the future (health care, thanks you jerk). I know what I say is harsh, but it's what I think and it makes me angry. People should not be weighing 600 pounds. You're 20 pounds overweight, that's fine and not terribly unhealthy (wouldn't hurt to not be though). This goes to the one's who are 100 pounds overweight. I'm sure no one ever thought that fat people could affect them, but 1/3 of America is obese. That says something and eating less and working out would only better your life. You'd be more healthy and save yourself money.

My Miserable Life

   Oh, you thought I was going to complain about how awful my life was? Well get ready to be kind of disappointed. Since I'm stuck in my mind all day with really no one to talk to, I try to find ways to better myself. (Spoiler Alert: I'm actually just trying to find ways to justify my thoughts). I wish I didn't think the way I do, so I search online for people with similar stories and lives. I wonder about my actions and thoughts. Am I really being so ridiculous? Half the time I admit, I am being ridiculous.

   After so many months of looking over the disgusting amount of issues I shouldn't be having daily, I came across a site www.mymiserablelife.com. We watch sad movies and always know that the stories are fictional and don't really happen often. However, those depressing stories are real and out there. Should I be reading such a site because it encourages my negative behavior? I don't think so because I read these stories and realize I don't have it so bad, but have come across many similarities that make my heart begin a series of outstanding beats. What if this happens to me? Thanks mom, you've brought me up well to get nervous and worry about everything. When you're feeling down about something that isn't worth it, check this site out and be appreciative of what you have.

High on Charlie Sheen

 

 Charlie Sheen made it pretty clear with his statement "I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen." I'm not exactly sure of the meaning of this reference. I have three explanations. One, he is poking fun at the media and this publicity 'disaster' (He's getting great ratings right now so yes, disaster will stay in quotes). Second, he's high on himself because he thinks he is more awesome than everyone else and doesn't care what you think. Third, this is all a publicity stunt to gain ratings. This is how the world works, there really is no such thing as bad publicity. What makes someone a star? Their name known to the most people possible.

   Okay, so everyone thinks he is crazy and hates him and CBS is going to kick him off the show. Riddle me this, do you really think people will stop watching the show if they keep this insane, bi-polar, drugged up mess? I don't think so. Like I mentioned before, ratings. I personally think MORE people will watch the show. I don't believe anyone has the common sense and standards of morality to think 'Well I'm not going to support his shenanigans'. People are dumb. Look at Jersey Shore, The Real World, Real Housewives of insertrandomlocationhere. Can you really call these shows quality TV? It's all drama, drama, drama. We love to see other people unhappy to make us think that our lives aren't so bad. I do partake in watching some of these shows, but pretty much have to because my girlfriend loves that garbage (not pronounced gahbage even though I'm from Jersey). I don't say anything because I don't care that much and just laugh to myself about these people. Once the show is over and they have millions of dollars, they'll know what sadness really means. They'll run out of things to buy and resort to drugs to 'get more out of life'. Only those who have worked hard for their money gain a sense of purpose and worth. I have to wonder with Sheen in this state, is he happy? Or is he losing his mind and putting up that macho front to retain his sense of masculinity? You're the man, Sheen. I'm enjoying your breakdown.

I'd rather laugh than learn

   As negative and depressing as I am, my favorite form of entertainment is comedy. When I see my good friend Mike his TV is usually set to documentaries, the news or historical programs. Very rarely will I find this stuff interesting. The only sort of informative programs I can enjoy are obscure documentaries (anyone see My Strange Addiction?). I try to laugh as much as I can and education is not funny. I only interest myself in learning so I can get a good job.

   My dad rags on Howard stern and says how he can listen to it (because its all his friend listens to) but mostly he's disgusted by it. I can actually agree with him. Sometimes the raunchy jokes get old. A little variety wouldn't kill anyone. I like a lot of sit com's. A few favorites are Seinfeld, the king of queens, how I met your mother, community, outsourced, the league, its always sunny in Philadelphia and a bunch of others. The same goes for movies and now with Pandora on my phone I'm able to listen to comedians instead of music. People tell me to not take things so seriously and I think this is at least a start. Instead of feeding my serious behavior with depressing music, I've replaced it with stand up comedians. However, because if my daily commute, I've heard the same bits 30 times. Luckily, my favorite comedian Daniel Tosh has come out with a new album. Ill definitely be picking that up soon.

   I think the pressure of school and education has sucked out any chances of enjoying learning. What's wrong with that anyway? It makes me happy so why should I care if other people think my taste is dull? I think it's because most of the people I know are usually talking about the latest on Nat Geo while I'm reminiscing over the latest Community episode. Oh well, don't judge me.
  

Being a future guest for intervention is not cool

   I overheard a conversation today between a few young adults. They were talking about how much alcohol they consumed at once. I really never understood the concept of 'holding your liquor'. Hm, you're trying to get as messed up as possible, but antagonize others who get there before you. Should you be proud of the damage of your liver being so severe that you can down a twelve pack in an hour? I hope you enjoy the shortened life span you've gained by being a so called 'man.'

   I personally hope I don't have to drink as much to get wasted. Shouldn't everyone else envy me? I'm having more fun than you in a shorter time. Don't be proud that you drink six beers a day and don't feel anything, its only going to get worse. Ill let Intervention know you'll be on there in about ten years. You drunk.

I Blame My Ex

  

As I analyze my life every second of th day I compare it to other people I know. I compare it to what normal people do and how they find happiness and comfort in life. My friends find a thrill in a night out on the town drinking in overcrowded clubs, or bars making fools of themselves. I used to enjoy that, but for some reason love became my number one priority.

   I remember during high school I would HAVE to be out drinking on weekend nights, or my free time was wasted. For some reason it made me feel cool, because that was the standard. I could enjoy the company of my friends, but also had an instinct and want in the back of my head to meet a girl. If I proved unsuccessful (which was the case 99.99% of the time) I was ok with it. I was always the type to want a girlfriend. I enjoy the attention and company, but also enjoyed time by myself and with my friends. That slowly dissolved after my girlfriend during my senior year of high school.

  Every girlfriend I had until that point was normal. The only thoughts in their minds were studying, sports, friends and partying. Things would be great and intimate in the beginning, but would normalize as most relationships do. But, this one girl changed all of that. She was completely different, but I guess I was too. I began to interest myself in the type of music known as 'emo'. I really hate saying that. I was in a band, wrote poetry, was full of emotion so it only made sense that I found a girl of similar taste. And so she showed herself. We began our relationship and were instantly head over heels for each other. I remember our first night alone and she wrote me a letter. I was baffled. Really? A Letter? I didn't really get it. Inside was a confession of this liking she had for me. She said she was counting down the days until she could see me again. I was uncomfortable at first, but soon found myself doing the same. This created such a connection that time barely had an effect on our emotions. It made me feel secure, like she loved me and didn't care about anyone else. It was just like the movies. At that point, I didn't care about drinking, or friends, I just wanted her. If I could have her that was all I needed. I was able to just open myself up without any negative judgement. It was the greatest thing in the world.

   As they say, all things must come to an end. We dated for a year and a half thinking that we would get married eventually. (She did call two years later drunk on her birthday to see if we were still getting married). She was too stubborn, manipulative, controlling, started doing coke, I couldn't take it. She'd say that I wasn't her father. So, I broke up with her and ignored every single text and phone call from her for a month. I wasn't really hurt at all, I was ok. In fact, I couldn't wait to find someone else. I'm not the type to just hit it and quit, I think it's degrading to the true act. Although, it took me three years to start a real relationship. Things are really not going great because I'm insane. I want that connection I had with my ex, I want the affection and compassion, but the girl I'm with now it . . . normal. Coincidentally, I feel like she's a little different, but in the way where she doesn't like to be touched, doesn't like affection, isn't romantic. None of those things. She likes that I'M affectionate though, which I don't like. I feel denied, I feel like a guy chasing after a girl that wants nothing to do with him. Resent and anger have quickly become my friends. When we go out, she becomes this social butterfly flirting with all of her guy friends completely ignoring me. Eventually I would get upset and flip out at the end of the night. She would tell me to get over it. I think since the first time she has said that line, I've just held this grudge. Things aren't the same between us and I wonder what I should do in this boring, typical, unromantic, one sided, emotionless relationship.

Be More Vague College Essay

   I had to write an essay for my college of choice recently. I always heard about difficult topics wondering what they could possibly be about. My first impression was that it was very specific leaving the writer without much to say. That might be true, but I encountered an opposing problem. The topic was way too basic. They asked why I chose their school and what it will bring me. Uh, what other reason does anyone go to college for besides partying, graduating and getting a good job? Everyone wants to make money, that's why they go to college. In fact, we HAVE to go to college. If not we will spend our worthless eternity praying for a manager's position at the local Mcdonald's.

   Any other reasons I could come up with seemed just as shallow. Why am I choosing to go to NJIT? Because it's better than a community college and I didn't get into Rutgers (actually that decision is still pending). You are also the closest school to me, cheapest and one of the few that had my major without requiring me to take two semesters of a second language. I should have mentioned to them that I'm lazy. I really don't know what they're looking for. How many people are going to tell them that it was their lifelong dream to be an engineer and they don't care about making money as long as they can do that. LIARS!

   I ended actually writing a pretty damn good essay. I mean so far NJIT did accept me and from what I hear it's a good school. Too bad it's in Newark and across the street from the ghetto. How ironic would it be that I start to go there and get killed and robbed by a degenerate who didn't go to college? Maybe then I'll be put out of my misery. Take notes colleges, make the essay topics a little bit more specific and realistic. No one is choosing your school because it was their lifelong dream. There are hundreds of schools, you are not special. Your students were probably just rejected from their real dream schools.

The cost of NOT getting gas

   My brother is the cheapest person I know. He's even worse than my mom and that says something. He's cheap to a point where it affects other people around him. He loves going to concerts and a lot of his friends aren't as enthusiastic as he is. So, he usually has to continuously ask the same people and will offer to find cheap tickets online. Not only does this save them money but his friends usually don't have the money up front so he kind of HAS to get both tickets. Once the concert is over, he will begin every one if the conversations asking for the money he fronted. There is no grace period with him.

  Although, most recently it has even ruined his car. He likes to avoid gas stations so he will run his gas tank to its lowest point possible. A few days ago he ran out of gas on his way home. I don't care who you are, if you have enough money you should not ever run out of gas. What's even worse is that he works right next to a gas station. So my mom found an empty gas tank at our house, filled it up, and brought it to my brother. But wait, there's more. The gas tank has been outside for months in the rain. Therefore, water was still in the tank mixed with the gasoline which then went into my brother's car. Now, his car constantly shakes when he turns it on. Luckily he was smart enough to realize that this was not a good thing and got it towed to the dealership.

   No one should ever have their car run out of gas when you work next to a gas station. Lesson learned bro, I'm gonna go back to being selfish.

Someone made off with Madoffs sanity

   Bernie Madoff screwed many people out of millions of dollars and technically got his son killed. If Madoff never went through with this ponzi scheme his son would still be alive so, yes I blame him for that too.

   I'm not sure if he's become even crazier, or if he's looking for sympathy, but he says he is a good person. This is what his therapist told him. I think they are both insane. For Madoff to scam the system like he did and not think it was a terrible thing is beyond crazy. A good person could never do that. I think the Madoff should be banned from all media and connection with the world outside of his prison. Its only been a year so I doubt he has become a reformed human being. I don't even think stupid people could think Bernie Madoff is a good person. If they do, lock them up as well because they may rob a bank and say it shouldn't matter because they're a good person (it's not supposed to make sense).

The predictable oscars

   James Franco and Anne hatheway hosted the 83rd academy award ceremony. Actually it might be safe to say that Anne hatheway hosted the whole show. Franco decided to be a pompous douche and not say much. He was probably high which just validates my argument that he was a pompous douche. You are hosting an honored piece of entertainment. Millions of people are counting on you to be entertained, its why you are paid a million dollars a week. The only sort of credit I can give him was that fantastic pink dress and Charlie scheen joke. I actually laughed at loud which is pretty rare for me to do when viewing these award shows. He also seemed quite cocky in an interview before the show. He was asked on what he thought of hatheway. Instead of any kind of praise, it seemed as if he was reading off of the interests section of her Facebook page. "Well she's likes movies and acting" get over yourself you dick.

   I actually never cared for Anne hatheway. She just seemed boring. So, when I heard she was hosting the academy awards I was even less thrilled than before. Did I mention these types of things bore me? Regardless, I was impressed. She was full of life, entertaining and had a surprisingly good voice. Maybe it was my low expectations but she did very well.

   What's her face said the f word. Ugh, you phony. She obviously did it because of the low status of herself and her award. She knew it wouldn't be too recognized by the media so she spiced it up by selling out and degrading her speech to appear nervous and unawares. Faaaaake.

   Natalie portman won best lead role which I'm glad that happened. I didn't see the Black Swan but I've never seen a role portman couldn't handle. The kings speech won best feature film, a few other awards and was nominated for 12 all together. That is actually impressive enough for me to want to see it. Surprisingly, I'm not a tough critic with movies. I rarely think a movie is that bad. When it is, I'll  usually say it was just ok.

   That's about it for the academy awards talk so until next year people.

Stupid Music

   Music was the world to me a year ago. Writing was something that I could connect with and be able to express myself. At the same time, I just wanted to make money doing something I love, a lot of money. I didn't want to have to care about stupid finances. Even just listening to music was something so deep and meaningful. Now that I see what music has become and the value of lyrics, it sickens me. I see the world for how it is and everything is fake. I can't even listen to the songs I once loved because it's dead and all a lie. I listen to my old cds and it's more depressing than fun. I think it's because I think of how great things used to be, how I had such hope for such success and it's all over.

   Now, I'm just following in the footsteps of everyone else: go to college, graduate, get a good job and get married. The only notion mentioned before that I actually want is to get married. I want a life of my own and want a wife to forever love. Marriage also seems to be a lie, or at least taken for granted. The vows read to each other seems to dwindle as the years go by. Maybe I'm taking it too seriously, but isn't love a serious issue? But I digress, I can't listen to music anymore. Because it meant so much to me, I took the meaning of every song too far and applied it life. I believed that love is all that mattered. I still do, but I'm trying not too. I just want to live in the moment, but I've spent so much time living in the future it seems almost impossible to enjoy what I have. I just want some hope.

I sometimes feel like this

Its too much work to stay healthy

   Eat this, don't eat that, run this far for this long and you might lose some weight. I'm 5'7 and used to weigh about 160 pounds after high school. I literally gained the freshman 15 and I looked awful. What's even worse is that I was in a band causing me to wear really tight clothes. I was pretty delusional at the time. I was eating terribly and my sit down job didn't help. I was never the type to workout but I could tell I needed it. It was tough. I would run/walk for about thirty minutes and felt like I ran a Marathon. The next day I would barely be able to walk. Did I lose weight? Nope. I rarely had time to do anything else and now I needed to find time to workout, plus I had to count my calories. It took me a few months, but I lost the weight and was back to where I should be. However, some people think that now they can go back to how things were but be a little more careful. Wrong. That's how I got to gaining that weight. That was a few years ago and now I still dread working out. Its uncomfortable and I don't get anything out of it. Because of my weight I'd probably have to run about an hour and a half a day. I already can't stand running for a half hour, how the hell am I supposed to run for an hour? Everyday? I guess that's the concept of working out, a lot of work for little results. Call me pessimistic but its true. Luckily, I still have some discipline to keep my weight down. All in all, its worth it to do just enough to keep my weight down.

Night Time Phonage

I just finished reading an article about attaching our eyes to our phones when we are in the company of our loved ones. This guy decided that he and his girlfriend should keep their phones out of the bedroom. He confessed that he would be on it until he turned off the lights and would even wake up in the middle of the night checking to see if there was any activity he missed. I am never on my phone when I'm with my girlfriend. I feel that it is rude and she would feel like I'm ignoring her. Sadly, she doesn't care too much because she is constantly on her phone. I want to talk with her, have some sort of intimacy, but shes always watching tv, on her phone, or on her computer while I pretty much just sit there. Even though I'm always with her, it doesn't feel like I'm with her. I wish we would try this, but she would probably just get annoyed that she doesn't have her phone near her.

   Well the guy and his girlfriend tried it and now they are closer than ever. They just talk about everything and anything. I'm so confused about my situation because I sadly seem to be the girl. I mention it to her and she just gets mad. I even bring it up in an even toned voice, but it doesn't matter it's just like flipping a switch with her. Maybe things will get better with time.

heres the article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/luke-wahl/no-phones-in-the-bedroom-_b_828642.html

Is This Real?

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing.FML

- fmylife.com

I've heard of worse things so I wouldn't be surprised ha

Friends are overrated

I enjoy being alone sometimes. People either annoy me, intimidate me, or give me anxiety. There is so much pressure to entertain and have things in common. When I have a meaningless conversations with the same people frequently, is that what makes friends? If the only thing we have in common is drinking, can that make you friends? I'm not a very exciting person and I'm fine with that. However, I feel like no one wants to hang around those who are not exciting. The funny part is that most of the people I know end up usually going to bars. Is that really considered doing something? What makes spending 6 dollars on a beer sitting around talking any better than spending .50 per beer doing the same thing in the comfort of someone's home. Maybe it's the long lines leading to the bathroom, or trying to talk over 20 other conversations going on. I'll go to a bar, I'll do things, but it's not something that I care too much about if I don't do that.

    Here's something even better, I barely like the company of my own friends. I think they're all great, but I know they're sitting their gossiping in their own minds that I'm a pussy who spends too much time with his girlfriend. So what if I do? I hate machoism. Show me a guy who doesn't pump out his chest and talk about the awesome things he does and I'll show interest. Personally, people are boring. If I'm not with my girlfriend or my family, I'm alone. I'm still not sure if I'm okay with that because society tells me I'm a loser for not really having friends. I'm just done with the party scene. I've gotten high, wasted, thrown up, blacked out, broken things, but the biggest reason I did go out was to find a girl to hook up with. I'm sure most guys would agree with this, but I also was looking for someone to continue conversations and get close to. Is it really so bad that I don't desire the need for friends?

My overbearing parents

As nice as I am, I have my limits. I believe in tact and holding back unnecessary comments. If I see somebody is happy with a situation that I deem . . . less than adequate, I keep my mouth shut because it makes them happy. When I was in my band, I was at practice every weekday after work. My days started at 6 am and ended at about 10 pm. I barely got a break and my parents understood. What I mean by their understanding, is that they barely saw me, but understood it's what I had to do. Although, once I quit to pursue a more secure future, they thought that I'd be home most of the time. Sadly they did not realize that I'm 24 years old and can't spend my free time with my parents. Yes, that's right, I do not enjoy spending time with my family. My mom is a crazy Christian whose interests range from God to Jesus. Okay, I'll give her credit, she can watch Seinfeld if the episode doesn't use the term 'sex' more than once and enjoy it. Other than that, we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I enjoy love, sex, drinking and crude comments that border on deadly. If she knew the literature I commonly read, she'd probably disown me as a son. The truth, I wouldn't really mind all that much because then I'd be able to live my life guilt free.

          As I was previously saying, once I quit the band, I actually spent more time with my girlfriend. More time as in, everyday. Go ahead, think what you want, but I enjoyed it. Still kind of enjoy it but after a year things gets different and I haven't moved on from how we were in the beginning. Once they realized what I was doing, they constantly nagged me on coming home to see them. I did at least once a week, but that wasn't good enough. If that wasn't good enough, then I presumed nothing would ever be good enough. I'd go weeks without seeing them and they would always call. My dad is good friends with my best friend's dad so through them I would hear how disappointing I was. When I would see them, they would interrogate me about why I was never home, did I not like them? What were they doing wrong? It was like the clingy girlfriend that you don't want to be clingy. Eventually, I was able to not care. After a year, they don't say much, but I am also home more often due to the lack of love currently in my relationship. But, what does the future hold? I'm not sure and I worry everyday.

I used to be more concerned

Has anyone ever noticed the odd man out? The lonely boyfriend/girlfriend sitting in the corner because their significant other isn't involving them. Or, the new friend someone brought along that nobody knows. Depending on the person, I could feel their discomfort. I could see that they didn't want to impose on some inside joke, or personal conversation. It's a difficult position to play. If I was a familiar of the group, I'd usually make some sort of effort to involve them. I mean, I couldn't be bothering them right? They came to have fun I'm pretty sure. Regardless, I was always concerned about everyone having a good time. I didn't want to leave anyone out. Now, I've begun to hang around a group of people who I don't know too well. We've all hung out several times, but it's obvious that they're closer. The reason I'm around these people is my girlfriend. They're all usually pretty nice, but as for that consciousness of another's discomfort, nobody notices. My girlfriend usually leaves my side and doesn't want me clinging to her. This goes on for usually the whole night. I wonder what happened to me. I guess its just this group of people that I can't connect with. I try to engage in group conversations, but I'm so self conscious of what to say. I hate that I've become that guy. I don't want to be, but its difficult when everyone seems so uninviting and not having my girlfriend kind of be my gateway to engaging her friends. My biggest fear is that I come off as annoying, so keeping quiet usually seems the best solution unless I'm approached. Maybe one day I'll be able to get back to that point where I was comfortable enough to make the newcomers feel welcome.

They say to have faith

Ever since I can remember, I went to church every Sunday. My mom is one of those crazy Christians who believes that pretty much everything is the devil. As religious as she is, she's not preachy to strangers which I can kind of admire.  But religion has been so drilled into me I can't take it anymore. I stopped going awhile ago, but I think I still believe in God. Its tough to believe in an all powerful and loving deity when so much goes wrong in this world. Especially when I think about how I turned out. I wonder what went wrong in my life to have me always want to be liked by everyone. What's even worse is that I also think people are constantly judging me in a negative way. When I'm alone I can be reasonable and realize that I'm crazy, but put me in the center of a room and I feel like curling up and dying. Do I blame God? I don't know. I sometimes wonder if God even exists because what legitimate proof is there? If you ask a Christian this question they answer with one word: faith. Although, it seems a little crazy to me to believe that God is in total control in my life and just let things be. They say that all I have to do is believe and pray and things will get better. Let me ask an even more intriguing question. How do we know what religion is right? Regardless of what we would like to believe maybe Islam is the true religion? Or what about Judaism? Does that mean if we spend our whole lives living by the Bible, die, our afterlife wont be a good one because we chose the wrong religion? I want to say that the Bible seems the most believable but who knows. Anything is possible isn't it? So it really comes down to your faith in the religion of your choice. Debate with religion, however, is subjective. It comes down to each religion thinking they're right and everyone else is wrong. The deciding factor? Wait to see where death takes you. Until then I really I no idea.

You're always right

I don't voice my opinion too often unless I agree with someone (aside from this blog). It's not because I always think I'm right, but I'll try to undertsand other peoples' points of view. My brother is out of his mind. Most of the time I can't stand him, but he is my brother and he has issues. I'll try to let him know when he's wrong, but it never goes well. Just like everybody else, nobody wants to hear they're wrong because we all think we know more than everyone else. I notice that whenever someone makes a good point, the opposing side won't acknowledge it. Somehow they'll be able to justify that that one point is only one good point, so they ignore it. We are  a society in such denial it sickens me. Maybe I'm easily swayed, but if someone makes a valid point with arguments to back it up, I say they're right because they are. Let's take Facebook for example. Mark Zuckerburg stole the whole idea when he was supposed to work with those two guys. Ok, they weren't too careful with who they asked to help, but essentially it was their idea. Zuckerburg said he would help make it and instantly began his own site with the same exact idea. So, those twins were pretty much out of luck because they didn't copyright it. How could they when they were under the impression that it was currently being worked on? I think that it was wrong and Zuckerburg shouldn't have been praised for stealing that idea. Regardless of the financial state of the twins, they were still entitled to creating that idea. My friend said that Zuckerburg was smart and pretty much laughed at the guys who were deceieved. I asked if that was appropriate. You are really going to complement Zuckerburg? What if that happened to you? They didn't care because they told me 'but it didn't happen to me'. They agreed that Zuckerburg was wrong, but I'm focusing on congratulating him for his deception. You think it's right to say he's smart? Personally, I think he's a jerk. I used to be in a band. If I was writing a song with someone and they go behind my back and copyright the song under their own name, I'd be pissed. Especially if someone told me that they were smart for doing that. Yea, you're entitled to your own opinion, but what happened to common human decency, open-mindedness and sympathy? Allegedly, it doesn't exist anymore.

Obsession is conditional

I notice that overall, obsession is not really a good thing. Once it has such a negative effect on someones life something needs to change. However, I feel that there are also obsessions that aren't bad but are looked at negatively. An obsession with TV isn't good because it encourages lazy behavior. That makes sense to me. No one is going around bragging that they are obsessed with TV. When it comes to drinking though, apparently its cool. Don't get me wrong I like to get drunk with friends every now and then, but I'm not cracking a beer everyday. Those who are, are usually viewed as 'cool'. But what if I were to tell you I was obsessed with my girlfriend? You'd laugh wouldn't you? Go ahead, thanks to my obsession I now eat better and workout. I also drink a lot less but I guess that's pretty standard when a relationship gets serious. Although, those who know how obsessed I am don't think its a good thing. I asked why and they would beat around the bush. If it doesn't directly affect you why do you care? I'd understand if we grope each other in public but we don't, in fact when we are around others we usually don't even seem like a couple. But once others know of the truth, there are no positive thoughts of the situation. They judge and/or laugh. What about guys obsessed with sports? I love football, but my intense interest in it is accepted because that's what society tells us. I doubt any Guy is a secret sports fan, but am more than sure there are several sensitive guys in hiding.

The world is falling apart, but more importantly I don't care

Libya is in peril, price of oil is at $100 per barrel, an earthquake has 98 dead in New Zealand and I'm sitting here wondering if the person sitting behind me is reading my screen. What are they thinking? Do they think I'm some loser for writing a blog? I know I shouldn't care but my social anxiety likes to decide otherwise.

   Finally, I'm able to write down my thoughts and maybe have someone else analyze me. Although, I know what people will say. This whole self entitled youth will just tell me to quit being a pussy. Well, maybe that's what I am. Maybe I was born this way, or maybe I can blame my overbearing parents. By their incredibly clingy nature I am now a shy, self loathing individual who doesn't see the value in anything. I don't hate anything, I don't hate life. I just have a love/hate relationship with society. Everyone is in love with themselves. Twitter and Facebook enhance this notion by posting feeds that might as well say "LOOK AT ME I'M MORE DRUNK THAN YOU, I'M AWESOME". It's disgusting, get over yourselves. I'm not saying to not love yourself, but its almost like pda with yourself. Nobody likes to see how in love you are with your girlfriend/boyfriend, so nobody likes to see how in love you are with yourself. Instead of posting pictures saying how awesome you are, just post it and leave it. Let everyone else decide that it's cool or not.

  A disclaimer: I don't hate people. I hate what people have become. I should have been born in the 1800s. The times where music was praised for talent, people were treated with respect and love conquered all. I understand that things were not the greatest then and not everyone was treated with such respect, but I guess what's most important to me is that love was a good thing. In today's world love is known as that four letter word nobody wants to hear. We've closed up as a society, no more vulnerability. Men would romance their women and tell them their deepest feelings through music or poems. Now, girls don't even express how they feel. They hide, even when they are married to the same man for years the relationship pretty much becomes professional. I personally think that this is a big reason for the high number of divorce rates. Things become stale because nobody knows how to feel anymore and we just give up. We are afraid to feel. That's why sex has become virtually meaningless at this point.

   The walls are up, marriage is programmed, bearing children is programmed because this world has become programmed to not feel anything anymore. If someone is in love and they express it, they are laughed at, cast down by their peers and asked "why?". Maybe we can blame technology for diverting our interests to television, music, games, the internet, everything available at the touch of a button. Addictions grow and the ignorance of a partner is just accepted. Just for one night with my girlfriend I would like to ban the use of these things. I wonder if she would just become bored, or if she would engage in something more real. Some would say watching television together is spending quality time, but I disagree unless whoever you're with is giving you some sort of acknowledgement. What happened to love? Everyone is so afraid to let themselves go, dive right in. Of course, I'm not saying to do this right away with someone new, but a girlfriend/boyfriend of a year in love, why not? When you both speak of similar futures together, what is there to guard? How can you be uncomfortable with hearing words wrapped in affection. If you are uncomfortable with hearing how much your partner loves you every now and then, then I don't understand why you are with that person. What I observe in today's society is that marriage is a last resort. It's something done because you can't be 30 years old, single and bar hopping every night. I'm not saying you can't, or don't. In fact, if that's what you want, save the poor wretch you propose to the trouble of a future divorce and keep going. Because apparently there is no sanctity in marriage anymore.