As I analyze my life every second of th day I compare it to other people I know. I compare it to what normal people do and how they find happiness and comfort in life. My friends find a thrill in a night out on the town drinking in overcrowded clubs, or bars making fools of themselves. I used to enjoy that, but for some reason love became my number one priority.
I remember during high school I would HAVE to be out drinking on weekend nights, or my free time was wasted. For some reason it made me feel cool, because that was the standard. I could enjoy the company of my friends, but also had an instinct and want in the back of my head to meet a girl. If I proved unsuccessful (which was the case 99.99% of the time) I was ok with it. I was always the type to want a girlfriend. I enjoy the attention and company, but also enjoyed time by myself and with my friends. That slowly dissolved after my girlfriend during my senior year of high school.
Every girlfriend I had until that point was normal. The only thoughts in their minds were studying, sports, friends and partying. Things would be great and intimate in the beginning, but would normalize as most relationships do. But, this one girl changed all of that. She was completely different, but I guess I was too. I began to interest myself in the type of music known as 'emo'. I really hate saying that. I was in a band, wrote poetry, was full of emotion so it only made sense that I found a girl of similar taste. And so she showed herself. We began our relationship and were instantly head over heels for each other. I remember our first night alone and she wrote me a letter. I was baffled. Really? A Letter? I didn't really get it. Inside was a confession of this liking she had for me. She said she was counting down the days until she could see me again. I was uncomfortable at first, but soon found myself doing the same. This created such a connection that time barely had an effect on our emotions. It made me feel secure, like she loved me and didn't care about anyone else. It was just like the movies. At that point, I didn't care about drinking, or friends, I just wanted her. If I could have her that was all I needed. I was able to just open myself up without any negative judgement. It was the greatest thing in the world.
As they say, all things must come to an end. We dated for a year and a half thinking that we would get married eventually. (She did call two years later drunk on her birthday to see if we were still getting married). She was too stubborn, manipulative, controlling, started doing coke, I couldn't take it. She'd say that I wasn't her father. So, I broke up with her and ignored every single text and phone call from her for a month. I wasn't really hurt at all, I was ok. In fact, I couldn't wait to find someone else. I'm not the type to just hit it and quit, I think it's degrading to the true act. Although, it took me three years to start a real relationship. Things are really not going great because I'm insane. I want that connection I had with my ex, I want the affection and compassion, but the girl I'm with now it . . . normal. Coincidentally, I feel like she's a little different, but in the way where she doesn't like to be touched, doesn't like affection, isn't romantic. None of those things. She likes that I'M affectionate though, which I don't like. I feel denied, I feel like a guy chasing after a girl that wants nothing to do with him. Resent and anger have quickly become my friends. When we go out, she becomes this social butterfly flirting with all of her guy friends completely ignoring me. Eventually I would get upset and flip out at the end of the night. She would tell me to get over it. I think since the first time she has said that line, I've just held this grudge. Things aren't the same between us and I wonder what I should do in this boring, typical, unromantic, one sided, emotionless relationship.
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